Horror movie shout out

I think it would be safe to say that horror is my favorite movie genre. I'm especially partial to slasher flicks. The people are generally ridiculously idiotic (which I love and hate) and they normally have atleast one really fantastic death scene that you know someone worked really hard to come up with. I'm talking about you, chick who gets impaled on Jason's machete into a tree in Freddy vs Jason. I also love me some creeptastic ghost movies. I believe in ghosts so it's even creepier when they turn one into a demon of death all skulking in the shadows and popping up in your shower, because you're not even safe when you're lathering your hair. Although the toilet seems safe from ghosts, I've never seen someone pooping and get crazy ghost attacked.  I do have some issues with them though. After I wrote this I realized most of them apply to slasher movies really... Apparently I love and hate them.

Go on down to the dollar store and get yourself a lamp! For the love of god, a lamp at the dollar store will probably be on sale and cost you 75 cents, and it'll probably have a light bulb in it. It drives me insane when I know there's something spooky going down and it's so dark that I can't see what it is. I mean, I completely understand that when a flashlight/candle/fire/lamp goes out, it's dark. I've been in a situation where the sun is not shining and the power goes out. It's dark, and that's spooky. But in a movie I pretty much need to see what's going on you know? Or else I'm just scrunched up next to my tv screen squinting into this darkness trying to figure out what the main character is afraid of, I should be able to see it, but the lighting dude on set decided to take a nap that day. I understand those scenes where it's all shadow and we aren't supposed to see what it is right along with our hero or villian, but when they are clearly showing it, said character is looking right at it, but it's far to dark for my eyes to pick up then I just get cranky. I'm looking at you Woman in Black, or rather I'm not, because I can't fucking see you in the darkness. I really want to see your crazy lame or awesome special effects. I want to see the work your on set make up artist did on that actor. But I can't because you were too cheap to buy a lamp. Ironically, I find this lighting issue with bigger budget Hollywood movies more often then the low budget D movies. Obviously Hollywood needs to get lighting people who actually work. Thanks.

Look at that pool of blood... That is a huge pool of blood... lets follow it into the darkness...
This actually goes hand in hand with people our main characters just meet and now they feel this insane desire to save them when they willingly leave the safety of the herd. Shit goes down and everyone feels the need to act like a fool hero. Oh hey, that guy we met yesterday in passing on the street who happened to be with us when disfigured cannibal wolf-humans attacked us and killed half our group. Yeah, he decided he needed to save everyone and went off into the darkness by himself without a weapon but never came back, lets go find him. This is where he disappeared and there's this giant puddle of blood  leading down this dark stairwell, we have no ties to him and really don't know him but lets follow this blood trail and save him because obviously he's still alive. Who does that shit? If my own mother disappeared and left a huge trail of blood leading down a dark stairwell you know what I'd do? Fucking run away and get help. But most importantly, I would fucking run away and not follow this giant blood pool into the dark. Smart. I understand this would severely hinder the movie, but maybe not, they come back with the police and *bam* mutant cannibal wolf-human attack! It would be even more badass to take out an entire squad of armed men/women plus your original victim group because of course they would come with.

Best idea ever! Lets split up.
Oh snap! We just found the mutilated remains of one of our party goers, lets split up and look for this creep. Genius! You know, there is totally safety in numbers. How about we huddle around the fire in our locked cabin until it's daylight and then we walk/drive out of this mother and never come back? Crazy idea. No one would ever go for that shit. Now this may or may not hinder a movie. I mean your psycho could completely break in and everyone hides, because only one person fights back completely alone and no one thinks to rush this fool with every knife in the house. I mean why do you have to go look for crazy dude anyway? I certainly wouldn't feel the need to find them and ask them, "excuse me, did you by any chance kill my friend, cause that was totally rude yo. Rude." Why do they follow the person who had that stupid idea anyway, go on crazy person, go confront that psycho. I'll stay here and eat some marshmallows and wait until the sun is up because everyone knows that the sun gets rid of the psychos. Well, not according to George Clooney with his super sexy tattoo in From Dusk Til Dawn, "Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are." But a girl can dream right? I can actually name several slasher movies where the killer kills in daylight, so my own theory sucks. But I'd be warm and well fed which might help me survive a stand off in total seclusion.

Weapons are for chumps (or killers)
How could wandering off alone to confront a man with a machete/razor hands/club get any better you may ask. Well lets do that armed with nothing but maybe a camera and possibly a lighter, maybe a pack of cigarettes. Sweet idea bro! You're killing me with the weapon situation. (tehe check out that unintentional pun) I mean I've seen a couple movies where someone goes all rogue badass and shows up with some sweet ass weapon no one would have ever thought of and almost live. Go you! Best weapon ever in my mind is in High Tension. I'll just pull up this fence post, wrap that shit in barbed wire, and beat you to death jerk! There's always the lawn mower in Dead Alive too. It's magical when someone completely shocks me with a creative weapon. I love when characters improvise weapons, obviously they are avid crafters bringing their skills to every single life situation. However, more often than not everyone has to split up and no one thinks, "hey maybe I should bring a knife so I can cut that bitch before he decapitates me".  Things could get pretty interesting with a group of people who fight back, you know, with weapons. Our killer would have to be pretty kick butt to fight 12 people in hand to hand combat. I mean that's stamina. But everyone has to make it crazy easy for him. The flip side of this is guns. It drives me crazy that someone reaches for a gun and then when the killer is walking, fucking walking, up to them they can't hit him once. Why do you even have a gun if you obviously can't use it?

Me so horny!
Everyone in horror movies are so freaking horny. I'm totally ok with some sexy time, but I don't understand how hard up you have to be to think, "we totally just saw our bffs get split in two by that horrible man wielding a sword, god I need to get some poontang sooooo bad." And then they go off alone, into the wilderness, where said sword man lives, and are shocked that he kills them mid thrust. Once I'd like to see a group control their strange untimely hormones and say, "you know what man? I'm covered in that one dude's blood, I'm not into getting it on right now, thanks." But I suppose you've got to get in that hot boob job somehow, horror movies just aren't horror movies without naked 21 year olds rubbing together.


You still breathing dude?
And finally, why does everyone have to lean over super close to check if the killer is dead. First, if you're unsure if they are dead you did not stab/shoot/beat them enough. If there's a chance that crazy dude that just tried to hunt you down like a wild animal is still alive, you need to stab/shoot/beat them again until you are totally sure no one on earth could come back from that. Second, did none of these people take health class in high school? We were required to do this every year until senior year, starting in middle school. (Middle school would be 6th grade through 8th to those of you who do not have their schools broken up into like 15 sub schools ) Guess what they teach you in that class, fucking cpr, and included in that is how to check for a pulse. You know, with 2 fingers touching their wrist or neck, you do not have to lean super close to see if you can hear breathing. Now, maybe these people were still giggling over the words breast bone when their teacher was trying to teach this, or making fantastic jokes over mouth to mouth, but come on! All of you missed that day?  I feel this would make for a wonderful ending to a horror movie. Killer goes down, main character beats then with a club covered in nails (because they remembered to improvise a weapon) until there is nothing left of said killer's main body part. (such as head or torso, you can totally live without a hand or foot ya'll, learned that in heath class as well) Not only would it be a pretty awesome scene, it'd be empowering and informative as well, attack until there is no doubt. Guess who can't come back for a sequel and try to kill you again? Dude who has pulp where his head or torso used to be. Unless you're Jason, he's a special kind of killer who never dies for real real.

So enjoy the next scary killer movie you watch, I know I will! Even though I'll be thinking any number of these, probably constantly throughout the movie. I guess you could say I over think movies a little too much, well you are right. I overthink everything in life. And once you've watched like 5 scary movies you've pretty much got the pattern, which totally opens the door to overthinking.